Escaping an Abusive Ex

“Toby I am so sorry.” I said in a whisper as I held my hands up in front of me; like I was trying to deflect an attack. My hands weren’t going to offer any protection, they never did. “Toby please listen to me. I swear that I will never do it again.” I said with a shaky smile but my smile disappeared as he just shook his head. “You are lying to me baby. You are just saying what I want to hear and I don’t believe a word of it.” Toby looked me in the eye and raised his left fist; I could easily see that he was shaking from rage. This situation would have been a little funny if I wasn’t the one about to get hit. My partner had just gotten home and he was obviously pissed at me; which was nothing new if I was being honest. But the offence which I had committed this time was really grave. I had unknowingly put too much salt in the eggs I had prepared for breakfast that morning. I had woken up early, prepared eggs and toast for him, and then hurried off to my spin class. I had not been back home by the time he had discovered my little accident. So he had started the day terribly with salty eggs and me to vent his anger on. All that had put him in a foul mood throughout his day. He had been brewing like a volcano and it was finally time for the eruption. “You did something really nasty today baby. I don’t think I can forgive you.” He had said in a grave tone as soon as he had walked in and loosened his tie. “What did I do wrong Toby? Whatever it is, I am really sorry and I will definitely make it up to you.” I had said in fear, hoping that he would be able to let whatever it was slide. “You gave me salty eggs baby.” He had said flatly and I had immediately known that I was done for. Fast forward to now, we were in our bedroom and I was begging for mercy that I knew would never come. “I will never do it again. Please I am telling the truth. It won’t happen again; I will be extremely careful next time.” I took a cautious step back and he instantly followed; like a predator stalking his prey. “I promise to make sure you do.” His left fist followed through with his promise as he punched me in the stomach. My breath came out in a wheeze as I doubled up in pain. He didn’t let up but threw his right fist at my chest this time. I turned around to run and he violently pulled me to the floor with my hair. There was a loud smack as my back connected with the floor. That is surely going to leave a mark by tomorrow morning. I curled up like a prawn cracker and tried to protect my vital organs. If I had quickly curled up like this that time, then maybe I would have been able to save my child. Toby was not going to let that stop him from inflicting his punishment. He picked me up and threw me against the glass dresser he had gotten me for our last anniversary present. It shattered from the impact and I closed my eyes to prevent any shards from getting in them. I was wearing only wearing a silk nightgown with thin straps; so I felt shards pierce me in different parts. This was what he always did. He bought me gifts, literally used me to destroy them and then bought some more gifts to make up for the lost ones. He dished out a few more kicks and punches before he was satisfied with his work. “You are going to make me the same breakfast tomorrow morning and you are going to do it right this time around. Do you understand me?” He asked in a tone which threatened to wreak more havoc if he did not get the answer he was looking for. “Yes.” I said weakly as I struggled not to cough up the red liquid. “Yes what?” He asked as he inched closer. “Yes Honey.” I rasped out. “Good.” I heard him walk away and gave a sigh of relief. I took a deep breath to assess the damage. Things were a little sore but nothing seemed to be broken; I would survive. I slowly got up, picked up what was left of my dresser and cleaned up the mess. I always tended to the mess before I took care of my wounds. It made me feel like I still had a sliver of control in what happened in my life. I took a hot shower and gingerly picked out the shards I came across as I slowly massaged my body. They would leave scars that might eventually fade away; or not. I woke up the next morning and made eggs just like I did yesterday. I practically counted the grains of salt this time and the table was set by the time Toby came down. He waited for me to sit next to him before he guided a forkful of eggs to his mouth and I waited with bated breath as he slowly chewed. Oh God, please. He wants me this close so he can easily backhand my face if need be. I heard him swallow from my seat and I swallowed as well. “This is really yummy Babe. It has just the right amount of seasoning. I am happy that you took my correction so well.” He said as he happily munched away. “Thank you Honey.” I said with a little smile as I took a spoonful of oats. We were done eating fifteen minutes later. I got up to clear the dishes and he pulled me into his lap with a suggestive smile on his face. “Babe, I have a few minutes to spare before I need to be off to work. How about we…” “I really don’t feel like doing that Toby.” “Come on Babe. Are you still upset about last night? I am really sorry but it wasn’t my fault. You make me so angry sometimes but I really am sorry.” He said softly as he kissed my lips. He carried me up to our bedroom as he intensified the kisses. Thirty minutes later and he was happily whistling as he went off to work. I immediately went to the bathroom so I could wash his touch off. I switched on the lights and made the mistake of looking the mirror; I usually avoided doing that after an event like last night’s. My face was not the way it used to be. My nose would never be as straight as it was the first time I had bumped into him at the college library. I was used to the black eyes I saw in my reflection and the bumps on top my cheeks. I ran my fingers through my blond hair; it stopped just below my waist. It was because of Toby I allowed it grow this long. He loved it at that length and liked to pull it when we made out. I could not recognize the woman that stood before me and something in me snapped. My parents had not raised me to be this weak punching bag for an egoistic man who thought that the world revolved around him. I can’t do this anymore. I can’t put up with the fake life that comes with living in this fancy world. I don’t care about the expensive clothes and shoes anymore. I just want to go back to the simple life I lived before I moved here with Toby. I can’t put up with him anymore. I just can’t. I picked up a pair of scissors from the drawer and held it up to my hair. I paused for a moment but then began snipping away. I kept on going until it was just a shabbily done pixie cut and it reminded of the look I had rocked when I was ten. If only that little girl had known what was in store for her on the journey of finding love and making her dreams come true. That little girl would be heartbroken to see what I had become and it was because of her I made my next decision. I quickly took out a bag and packed just my essentials. I had thought about doing this for years now but it felt different to actually carry it out. Toby was going to be beyond mad and he was not going to rest until he found and gave me a suitable punishment. I was not so sure about being able to survive that punishment. I was not sure about where I was going either because I had no one to turn to; definitely not all my fake friends here. But I was sure about one thing- I was going to leave Toby today; or die trying.

I am done. I am so done with this mask of a life that I have been chasing down a rabbit hole for longer than my brain would like to remember. It's over. It's done, and I am never going back to that man. I looked back into the rearview window, it's just me on the road. Me and this beat up single cab Ford F-150 that I bought by trading in my shiny silver Mercedes that he bought for me. He bought so many things for me that eventually it seemed like every inch of my body was bought. The diamond earrings in my cup holder were an anniversary gift that he bought for me. The tennis bracelet that was burning a hole in a pocket of my purse was a birthday gift from him. Even my fantastically fake french manicure and blonde hair still smelling of bleach were all things that he bought for me. From the dirty rearview mirror, I could see the pain all over my face. The bruise on my lip from where he punched me. The swollen left eye that had turned an angry black and blue from where his other fist met me. My cheek had a slice, angry red and puffy, from where I fell onto a dresser when he tripped me. And that was just my face– my body was even more broken in more ways than what met the eye. I would not go back to him. Ever. He came home angry. He always came home angry these days, unless he wanted to have sex. Then he was sweet, caring, and apologetic. "I'm so sorry baby, I didn't mean it." "Baby, you know you push my buttons, don't you? But you're right, I'm sorry, babe." Lies. The day I decided to leave him was the day I started living again, and now on this open road when I was supposed to feel free, I still felt caged. Because I knew he would come. I couldn't let him find me. He could never find me, because if he did, I would certainly die. We lived in Malibu. The home of blondes, fake boobs, fake tans, ridiculously large houses, and Instagram perfect lives. It all seemed so surreal at first for me; a small town girl from a city outside of Portland. The newness and the rollercoaster that was that lifestyle kept me so blinded to the bleaching; the bleaching of my own identity that is. I had looked at a map for days, a map that I burned over a burner on my stove so there would be no evidence. I had thought about every possibility and the likelihood of me being able to actually get there. So many were tempting, yet I found flaws in all. So at the end of the day, I started driving. I had been driving, for two days now, only sleeping for around an hour at a rest stop along the way. I had been on I-5 for what seemed like forever now, I had decided to go to Alaska. I knew no one in Alaska. Absolutely no one. It was perfect. I could disappear in a little cabin somewhere in the woods. I could grow a garden, a big garden like my mother used to have before she got sick. I could get a job, I could work at a small town store, or I could do whatever the hell I wanted without fear of repercussion.I only stopped for the necessities. Before I crossed the border, I spotted a Wal-Mart. I knew he would try to track me down. He would be like a hound on the hunt, and I could not risk that. I loathed Wal-Mart and the establishment that it represented, so I was a Target girl. Like that was any different. But I knew he wouldn't look for me there, so that's what I decided on as I pulled into a parking place close to the entrance. Close enough so I could run back to my car quickly if need be. I quickly tossed new clothes in my buggy: practical leggings, a few long-sleeved t-shirts, a sweatshirt, and a rain jacket. I got some new underwear, comfortable cottons, and a few plain nude bras. It was liberating to pass up the lace. The lace that he loved. That he demanded that I always wear. After finding the necessities, I quickly made my way to the hair dye. The long aisle full of every color of the rainbow that I could choose from; the many different identities that I could choose from. But I went back to my roots. I always wanted to go back to my roots. I went back to the brown that was almost black that I had been born with. The dark color that seemed almost as dark as night as it contrasted with my skin that was naturally almost the color of moonlight in the dark. It was time for a change, a change that I was more than ready for. I purchased my items at the self-checkout, because I couldn't risk anyone seeing my face. Not only would they be horrified, but I was terrified of the trail I was leaving. I couldn't let him find me. Not ever. The water was warm at the rest stop. I scrubbed and scrubbed and scrubbed until my skin was raw. The baking soda paste that I had mixed was starting to wash away the orange that stained my skin, causing the water at my toes to turn into a resentful yellow. My hair was another story. It was like my hair welcomed the change as it sucked up the dark dye like it was water in the desert.

My reflection almost scared me. Before me was a woman who I had not seen for so many years, that she almost seemed like a stranger. She was like a doe scared of the light from an approaching vehicle as she looked back at me in the mirror. Her long wet dark hair stuck to her skin and her wild blue-grey eyes seemed to be glowing, storming, full of fear, thought, and frantic desperation. Yet there was fight behind her eyes. There was a fire that had not been there for many many years, yet here it was, starting to slowly burn. Her skin was pale. Like porcelain gleaming as the water started to dry up from the hot shower. She was well built, yet she had allowed that build to diminish. Yoga and cute little Zumba classes at the local country club had not allowed her to become as strong as she should be, as she would be. But it did not matter. Seeing myself again was the life that I needed breathed back into me, and I wasn't about to lose it. I slept in my truck again that night. I always slept in the truck, I was terrified of motels. In a motel, he could barge in and drag me out. At least in the truck, I could lock the doors and drive away. The morning came earlier than I would have liked, but the new sun gave me hope. I had made it three days. Three days without him. I could make it three more days, then three more days, then three more days. I could make it many days without him. I stopped at a McDonalds along the way. God, I didn't realize how much I missed this food. I knew it was horrible for you. He used to go on and on and on about how awful it was for you, but it tasted so damn good. Hash browns, a McGriddle, and a vanilla latte with whole milk because who in their right mind really wants to drink nonfat? I turned the dial of my radio, trying to find a decent station while I took another sloppy bite out of my bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle; grease dripping down my chin while the Eagles sang in the background.I didn't really have a destination. I just had a plain paper map with a red-penciled drawn line to Anchorage, where I could then figure out where I wanted to settle. I could have used a GPS or a phone, but I couldn't afford to be tracked. They were tempting at Wal-Mart. I almost bought an iPhone, I could have bought an iPhone, but I didn't. I was too scared. I was too scared that somehow he would trace it back to me. So at the check out line, I decided on a paper map. The kind my father used to love. He had so many paper maps. It was his favorite thing to collect. He taught me how to use them, how to use a compass, and how to navigate my way without the use of petty technology. He taught me many things before his car accident. Before the slippery ice caused his 4-Runner to skid off into the icy lake. I smiled to myself. My father would be proud of me now. Using a paper map and going on an adventure of my own. It was a long drive. Too long. I had too much time to think on my own. To allow my mind to marinade on the many things that had transpired in my life. God how I screwed up. I should have never talked to him, I should have never gone with him, I should have just completely avoided him. But I didn't. Because at the end of the day, at that frat party in college, Toby entranced me. He charmed me and made me feel like no other had before. He was good at that; he made anyone he spoke to think that for a second, they were the center of his universe. His universe. A place where in his mind, everyone revolved around him. I scoffed to myself. The thought now repulsed me. But what repulsed me more, was that I used to buy into it. More than that, I drank that kool-aid like it was the one thing keeping me alive in this miserable world. I was foolish. I was so foolish to think that the life Toby offered me was the one I wanted. Hailey is a bitch. I got exactly what I wanted, but when I realized what it was doing to me–how it was eating away at my soul, I knew I had made a grave mistake. A mistake that almost cost me my life to fix. But not again. No more. I was weak then, but I wasn't weak now. My mother didn't raise me until her last dying breath to be weak, to mold to someone else's form, or to forget who I am. I was headed towards Talkeetna. The trees were thick and the sun was bright. Winter had faded and spring was starting to bloom, yet the bitter cold outside was a cruel reminder of winter's wrath. I pulled my coat, that I had picked up at a small shop in Anchorage, tighter around my waist then turned the heat up on my trusted truck. Ted is what I called him because he was cozy as a teddy-bear yet just as reliable. Ted. Ted and I were currently jamming out to some Beyonce that was blaring on the radio and eating gummy bears and Cheez-it's like no tomorrow. Junk food. I was going to eat and drink and do whatever the hell I liked, and I liked gummy bears and Cheez-it's.